As I’ve shared before, fourteen years ago I had an abortion. It was a horribly sad and traumatic experience, and the grief resulting from my choice to kill my child will stay with me for the remainder of my days. I know that there are no tears in heaven, but here on earth I still weep regularly for that baby who would today be a teenager.
But I have not faced my pain alone. God has been with me through it all. And he has shown me so much about himself along the way.
In the days following my abortion, God used the people around me to point me squarely towards him. He used my roommate to bring me to the offices of Amnion Pregnancy Center where I met my counselor Jane. And he used Jane to point me to the Bible, God’s Word, which is the means by which God speaks to his people today. Through the grief of my abortion, God blessed me with the desire to seek his Biblical truth, and he taught me these things about himself:
1. A good tree does not bear bad fruit (Matthew 7:18).
When someone is a true follower of God, having placed their trust in Christ Jesus as their savior, the Bible says that they bear fruit. This means that their faith is evident in the way that they live their life. They seek to glorify their savior by obeying his commands and abiding in his love. If a tree is healthy in its core, it will bear good fruit. But if a tree is sick and rotting inside, its fruit will likewise be rotten.
Before my abortion, I would have called myself a Christian. I grew up in a non-denominational Christian church, and attended corporate worship every Sunday up until middle school. I prayed “to ask Jesus into my heart” when I was four-years-old.
I could have explained to you that Jesus is God’s son and that he died on the cross. I could have told you that three days after Jesus died, God brought him back to life and he later ascended into heaven to be seated at the right hand of the Father. I knew many of the “correct” answers, and I believed myself to be a follower of Jesus.
But in retrospect, my fruit was rotten.
Nothing in my life reflected a regenerate heart. I displayed a pattern of flagrant and willful sin, believing that I could repent and ‘get right with the Lord’ when I was ready. After all, I wasn’t really hurting anyone by partying like my peers and having sex with my boyfriend. I was arrogant and selfish, but then one day I got pregnant, and God taught me that…
2. All sin is serious.
In Romans chapter 6, the Apostle Paul explains that while Jesus’s death on the cross sets Christians free from the wages of sin, those of us who are in Christ do not have a license to continue in willful patterns of sin. All sin is serious, and heinous to God. By continuing to willfully sin by engaging in premarital sex, I displayed a heart that failed to take sin seriously. And the unavoidable truth is that…
3. There are consequences to sin.
And those consequences are grave. Back to Roman chapter 6, verse 23 tells us that, “the wages of sin is death.” Paul uses the word “wages” in this verse to illustrate that we “earn” death by sinning. In other words, we deserve death because we’ve worked towards it. By continuing in sin, we earn not just physical death (as we will all die one day), but we also earn eternal death (meaning hell).
But we can’t forget the second half of verse 23, which reads: “but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Meaning, sin = eternal death BUT Jesus = eternal life. And once God called me to finally, truly, follow Jesus, he slowly taught me that…
4. I am redeemed and set free.
I am still learning this all the time.
God’s compassion towards me is overwhelming, and wholly undeserved. When Jesus died on the cross, he bore the weight of all sin, including the sin of aborting my child. Although it has been many years since my abortion, this is still hard for me to understand, and sometimes still hard for me to accept.
In John Piper’s short book Exposing the Dark Work of Abortion, he says: “Jesus did not mainly come to stop abortions in this world. He came mainly to die for abortion-committing sinners. ‘I have not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance’ (Luke 5:32). There is one way to know God as your Father. And it’s the same for the people at Planned Parenthood, and the people at Pro-Life Action, and the people at Bethlehem Baptist Church—Come to Jesus.”
Maybe you’ve had one abortion or many, or maybe you’ve convinced a girlfriend or loved one to have an abortion. Please know that God is rich in mercy, and he will forgive you if you turn to him. Repent, and receive Jesus as your Lord and Savior.
5. All things for good.
Romans 8:28 says: “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”
My abortion was a wretched, painful and heinous act, and the weight of it has been immense. Far from a carefree act of female empowerment and bodily ownership, aborting my baby caused me deep emotional scars that I will always bear. The guilt of my choice has been tremendous, and my abortion is something that I would prefer to keep hidden, stored away from the world. So why on earth would I confess it to anyone who reads my words?
The answer is because as a Christian, I respond to Romans 8:28 by choosing to publicly confess my abortion in the hopes that it will point others to Christ. Through Jesus’s death and resurrection, he bore the weight of my sin, and I am no longer guilty in the eyes of the Lord. For that I am beyond thankful.
It is my prayer that God will use my abortion story for his purpose – and for my good.